The Bell Epoch

Pavlov, the physiologist, is in his luxurious laboratory checking how ringing a bell in association with food affects animals, and today he is trying it with a cat.  After feeding the cat for days at the sound, he rings it without food to see if the cat will salivate.  But the Cat just saunters in and looks around, and then he says, out loud: "What?" Astonished, Dr. Pavlov goes: "You can talk? Tell me more! Tell me: are you salivating?," and he rings the bell again.

"That seems a bit personal,'" says the Cat.

"Well, I can't ask the dog, he doesn't talk," says Pavlov.

"That's right, and it's going to stay that way," says the Cat, looking meaningfully at the Doctor.  They stare at each other, until Pavlov feels uncomfortable, puts down the bell, burns his notes, gives the cat an entire salmon for dinner, and quietly leaves.

On the Resignation of Benedict XVI

A cowboy, a robot and the Pope are waiting in line at DMV. "I reckon I need to renew my tabs, just about got a ticket! heh heh," says the friendly cowboy." "Beep Bop Boop!," says the robot. "Such language!" says the Pope.  "May the lord forgive you, if you even have a soul, you lump of useless machinery!"   "Hey, calm down, he didn't mean nothing!" says the cowboy. "Bleep Blorp!" says the robot, raising his tiny rubber tool arms into attack position as the cowboy suddenly has to stand between them, holding them apart, as the Pope tries whapping the robot on the head with his glorious sceptre. 

"Screw, this, I'm through being Pope!" says the Pope, throwing off his robes and tossing his hat aside, to the amazement of dozens of people in line.  Fuming, he drives off in the cowboy's El Camino without even asking if he borrow it, spinning the tires in the dusty parking lot and spraying gravel, dinging the other cars in the lot. 

The cowboy turns to the robot and goes: "Weren't you the one that told me he was in the Hitler Youth?"

On the Line Between Joke and Angst Joke

"A man walks into a bar. There is no such line."

Soprano

A ferocious Bear is at a McDonald's in the drive-thru lane, poking his enormous head into the window and gnashing his teeth. "RAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!' says the bear, as he tears at the walls with his huge paws, ripping them away one by one, as bear slobber flies from his mouth. As it turns out, the terrified attendant is smooth jazz star Kenny G, who has fallen on hard times, and is making ends meet with this part time job.

Frozen for a moment,  he remembers that music soothes the savage beast. He sets down the bag of McNuggets he was holding and picks up his soprano saxophone and, inspired again, touched by the muse for the first time in years, Kenny G gets ready to play a gentle, soothing tune, a tune which may save his life and the life of his friends.

But the bear rips the saxaphone from his hands and bites it in half.

"You're hardly Miles fucking Davis, are you!?" says the bear.

With A Chaser of Warm, Flat 7-UP

 Hijacked Navy Seal Joke

Three ex Navy Seals walk into a bar.  Noticing that one is quite a bit shorter than the others, the bartender asks him if being small presented any special challenges as a Seal.  The short Seal pulls out a gun and shoots him in the face, killing him instantly.  Then he picks up the body to try to drag it away, and goes: "Wow, this guy is huge. Can you guys give me a hand?"

The other Seal kindly pours him a glass of straight, warm, inexpensive vodka.

Navy Seal Joke, Version III

Three ex Navy Seals walk into a bar. Noticing that one is quite a bit shorter than the others, the bartender asks him if being small presented any special challenges as a Seal. The short Seal goes: "It's very hard to capture that particular Navy SEAL feeling of having achieved a very great deal in the service of a corrupt and heartless hegemon while simultaneously fully experiencing the emptiness of all human existence, especially when firearms are involved."

The bartender kindly pours him a glass of straight, warm, inexpensive vodka.

Navy Seal Joke, The Missing Version II

Three ex-Navy Seals walk into a bar, noticing that one is quite a bit shorter than the others, the bartender asks him if being small presented any special challenges as a Seal.  "Not really," says a 4th Navy Seal, who is silently weeping on top of a club sandwich.

The bartender kindly pours him a tiny glass of straight, warm, inexpensive vodka.

On the Correct Understanding of the Angst-Jöken

To embrace the penetrating clarity permitted by the hilarious despair, we must ultimately reject "funny" as a evaluative concept pertinent to jokes, where a jocular clutch, as it were, is, naturally, a bourgeoise construct distracting us from the social reality. Rather than a mechanical bleating of air, the proper response to any joke is therefore: "Yes, that is highly descriptive." Try it with your friends.

Identity

"Knock, Knock."
"Who's There?"
"The Gaping, Empty Chasm of Total Meaninglessness."
"Do you have any I.D.?"

Another Panda Joke

Vice President Cheney walks into a bar and tells the bartender "give me a goddamn sandwich!" The bartender, noticing Cheney has pulled our a Glock and aimed it at his head, asks nervously "wha..what kind of sandwich, Mr. Vice President, Sir?" Cheney goes "I don't care, but make it good. You think this is about food? This is about respect. It's about who is the right man who has the will to excercise power and who's the chump that makes sandwiches."  The bartender comes back with an egg salad sandwich and Cheney simply shoots him in the knee, takes and eats the sandwich, throwing the plate through the window and shooting up the bar and all the bottles for good measure, and storms out.   

The waitress comes out to the bartender, who is writhing on the floor, and says "Wow. Something just like that happened with a Panda last week, but aside from making us look up 'panda' in the dictionary he wasn't such a dick about it."

Balloon Payments

Friends

An Iguana is staring at a rat, while the reptile's old friend, a scruffy-looking Coyote, looks on hungrily. The Iguana whispers to the Coyote: "Last time we went to town, that rat had enough quarters to buy us three tacos. You distract him. I'll get his wallet."


Baby Harp Seals

How do you get a baby harp seal to stop crying? You are all too aware of the method.

Blizzard

A Parson, a Rabbi, an Imam and a sexy porn star are trapped alone in a cozy ski cabin during a ferocious blizzard. "Well, it's warm and we have enough food," says the Imam, sipping his hot chocolate. "It could be worse," says the rabbi, stroking his beard. "Thank you, Lord, for blessing us this day, " says the parson, combing his hair. So the porn star pulls a gun and says:  "One step closer and I'll kill every last motherfucking one of you!"

The Pretty Balloons. 

An elementary school decides to raise money for a field trip to the Dinosaur exhibit by selling balloons. But  there's a mistake at the balloon company and instead of sending a tank of helium to fill the balloons, they send a tank of nitrous oxide. The balloons don't float, but it's soon found out that when the pretty balloons pop and are destroyed forever, everyone begins laughing and laughing. In this way, the children were primed to delight in the suffering of others.

One Tired Mono-Amorist

1.  One Tired Mono-Amorist.

On nothing but a dare, a professional unicyclist from Ohio plans to cross the Gobi desert.  After many months of training, riding everyday and getting in great shape as he practices over bumps, gravel, sand and hills, after thousands of dollars spent on getting a special ultra-light, variable traction, high endurance tire, and fitting the seat and post with the latest in unicycle instrumentation- or uvionics, as the pros call them- he flies to China and prepares the expedition by buying a Bactrian camel named Lars to port his supplies.  And so one day, he begins, setting out from Urumki in China to Dalandzadgad, Mongolia, sporting a cheery sombrero that says " Cleveland- Chili's!  and leading a reluctant Lars with a camel leash, as a small crowd of locals cheer him on. 

Months later, in the chilled grip of February, Mongolian police scanning the horizon with binoculars spy a haunted, skeletal-thin Caucasian man approaching outer Dalandzadgad wearing nothing but a crude jacket made of raw camel hide, and teetering, yes, on a rusted, sand-blasted hulk of a unicycle.  Quickly recognizing that this may be the American long given up for dead, they rush to his aid, but he refuses.  Word spreads. Reporters gather, children run along at his feet. As he reaches the city limits, he dismounts, shaking with cold, the unicycle falling to the ground. He blinks at the crowd, and the cameras, and opens his cracked lips to speak.

"In Ohio, I loved only unicycles. Now I love nothing."


2. Blind and Balanced.


A Tic Tac corporate salesman is diagnosed with incurable halitosis. Fired, he sues. But where there is no justice to be had, none is offered.


3.  I Bid You Adieu


A musician, married now and in the burbs but nostalgic for his band touring days, has been seeking a rare guitar tube amplifier he used to have. Months of looking, and no luck. One day, lo and behold, the exact year and make of the beautiful amplifier comes up on Ebay. For two days, he carefully plans his bidding, checking prices, researching everything. Then the hour comes. He gets ready with coffee and meatloaf sandwich and tells his roughhousing children to go play. Focused, he scans the situation: there are two other serous bidders, both skilled as well, the prices going up very incrementally.  He has a budget though, he can't just out-bid them. The price crawls higher and higher, and he's glued to the screen -even the squealing and yelping from outside doesn't distract him-  and the last 10 minutes crawl by in sweaty tension.  He and two other bidders duke it out -5 minutes now, and it's not a question of money, but timing. It feels like his youth is up for auction. He wants that amp.

The bid comes down to the last moment. He waits. The timing is like hitting that effects pedal the moment before you blast that power-chord. He judges, clicks, and hopes. Success! The amp is his! He raises his hands in triumph. With perfect satisfaction, he steps outside to breathe in the fresh air, and finds that his Airedale has drowned in the pool.

Das Angst-Jökens of Summer

The Happy Magic Well Troll

A marketing executive falls into a deep dark well, and struggles to climb back out. But he fails, splashing around in the cold and wet and dark. Suddenly, the water drains out as if by magic, and he finds himself sitting upright on a wet stone floor. He looks around, and the light from above casts a circle down. He is shocked to see a tiny little troll-like man, no more than 2 feet tall, wearing a red hat and a long red pointed beard, with a crooked nose, rosy cheeks, and holding a small leather bag containing something weighty, his small blue eyes twinkling and mouth upturned in a warm smile as he begins to pull something out of the bag. "Hold on," says the dripping executive, taking out his iPhone, "I'm getting a text from someone."

Delayed

A woman has called for a taxi and has been waiting over an hour when she hears hears the door bell finally ring. Stepping out, she is surprised to find an incredibly tiny yellow cab at the curb, with flashing lights and spiral-colored wheels, and it is completely packed nose-to-nose with all kinds of clowns. The driver is dressed like a clown in sad-face with a foot wide soft cab driver's hat. "I'm so sorry I'm late," he says. "I got delayed renewing my tabs at DMV."


Unicorn

Two kittens are playing with a soft toy unicorn with sparkles, dangling from a spring and swaying wildly. One kitten turns to the other and goes "When I catch him, I will crush his throat with my teeth and feel his tendons snap while he squirts blood and his pointless life leaves his pathetic eyes." The other kitten says "Cross me and you will share his fate."

Two Gentlemen of Nebraska.

Omega 3s.

A beautiful redhead from Vancouver goes on a dating website and falls for an attractive guy who owns his own canned salmon factory.  After a little back-and-forth, they arrange to meet up at an exquisite contemporary bistro she has looked forward to going to for a couple of years, and she gets a nice  outfit and a salon treatment to get ready to meet the man of her dreams.  She arrives a little late, but no one comes to meet her. Eventually, instead of the  man, a ferocious-looking polar bear shows up, blood dripping from his mouth as he  flings an italian dress shoe around. Fearing the worst, she asks the bear if he's seen her date.

"Seen and eaten, lady!" says the bear.  "Can't go wandering around Canada smelling like salmon and not expect bear trouble."

After some reflection, she agrees with his observation, and asks the bear to join her for desert, slyly establishing with indirect questions what he does for a living and what his life goals are.

Two Gentlemen of Nebraska. 

Two Supercross motorcycle racers are competing in an loud and dangerous event in Lincoln in front of 20,000 fans in an arena, when the guy in the lead on a Yamaha wipes out at the bottom of a dirt hill, and one by one, with   the high-pitched buzzing of small engines, billows of blue smoke, and endless horrific crunches, a series of bikers crash one by one on top of the unfortunate leader.  In the air and unable to stop in time, one biker turns to the other, and nods his helmet in a way which means: "To the thrill of power, our will is surrendered. We have entirely created this oncoming rush of doom, and our role now is merely to play it out."

Access to Medical Care

A Sasquatch has a terrible toothache and goes to see a Dentist. The Dentist's receptionist stops the huge furry Bigfoot creature, demanding to see his insurance card or cash up front before treatment. The Sasquatch reflects that he could stomp her with his enormous foot like a grape, but that this would not get him the money he needs or help his toothache, and goes to sit down, the waiting room chair uncomfortable and far too small  The receptionist, regretting her confrontational approach borne of fear, and finding her empathy and trying to be helpful, calls the University's Department of Anthropology to see if they might cover the bill, while poking  through a website on low-cost dental services for ideas as she waits for someone to pick up. Meanwhile, photographers are lining up three deep on the street outside at the spectacle of the huge man-ape forced by the absurd circumstances to pretend to read a June 2007 copy of Glamour magazine with a heavily retouched photo of Britney Spears on the cover.  Sasquatch comes to feel that the situation is awkward and untenable.

They Are Not Tater-Tots. That's A Common Misconception.

"A man walks up to the President of Mexico, and asks for an extra large order of Mexi-Fries. The dignified President chastises the man for his cultural, culinary,  and political ignorance. Shocked, the man defends his stupidity with the small truth that his hunger is legitimate."


Competitive Robots

"Two robots are disputing the primary function of robots. The first robot builds Toyota Camrys. The second robot has been programmed with the best jokes from 100 years of vaudeville comic routines. Then a doctor, a lawyer and a priest walk in, needing to get to a conference on comedy and begin demanding reliable transportation advice from the robots.  The robots are forced to cooperate, but remain technologically incapable of friendship. They continue to regard each other as inferior."

Jesus, Networking

Angst Jöken! Jesus, Networking

Jesus, still a young man and idle between gigs as a carpenter, walks down by the wharf and approaches Jacob the fisherman to ask if he might have work. Jesus combs His hair and He asks of the old man: "Have you work for an honest fisherman?" Jacob, a gruff and salty fellow with a big black beard puts down the net he is repairing and gives Him a form, and Jesus dutifully fills out the application parchment.

Jacob,  eyes the form as Jesus looks up hopefully. "It says you spent two years building Samuel of Galilee's new tannery?"

"Yes," replied Jesus.

"And a year apprenticed to Mikal of Damascus cutting stones,"

"Yes," He replied again.

"And what about this, three months as tax assesor for the Romans?"

"I thought to try rendering things," He replied. "It was not my calling."

"Not much for holding a job, are you?" says Jacob, eying the young man doubtfully.

 "No, but perhaps you should check my career objectives." says Jesus.

"I see," says the old fisherman.  "And it's also your references I'm having trouble with."

Knock, Knock. Knock, Knock. Knock. Knock. :(

Knock. Knock. "Who's there?" The simple question was unanticipated, and oddly chilling. Silence falls heavily, as the knocker loses the heart to face real human contact, and walks off to gather what pleasures he might from the small path through the Arboretum.


 



The Long Dark Night at the Door

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"I no longer know."

The Other, With Suckers

A professor of literary theory is driving his pick-up down a country lane one night, when suddenly the engine stops, a strange wind begins, and the sky is filled with flashing lights. A UFO is landing right in front of him. He turns off his "Derrida-on-tape" and gazes in amazement as a slouchy set of purple and green aliens come down the landing ramp right toward him, squishing forward on their squid-like suckers, wearing berets and smoking Gauloises.

"Take me to the your existentialist leader, please." says one of the aliens, stroking his goatee.

"That's something of a contradiction in terms.  And it presumes a modernist dialectical supremacy which has been widely discredited." says the Professor.

"We are aware of that," says the alien. "Yet the logical tension within the construction of my question is not relevant to choosing to find what we desire. We choose, we ask, you may reply or not."

The Professor thinks for a second. 

"Jean-Paul Sartre is long dead."

"We know that - we wished to pay our respects. We aren't fools you know. You of all people should respect the culture of the Other."  To emphasize this point, one of the most purple aliens whips around it's seventeen arms like a tree in the wind, hooting wildly.

The Professor goes: "How do you know who I am?"

"We read your book at Altair-Seven book club."

"Well, I don't know where he's buried. France, I guess. Can't you just look it up?"

Exasperated, the alien takes a diffident puff and says: "No wonder you were denied tenure."

Within the Unfunny Joke Lurks The Hilarious Despair

There is a Sale at Nordstrom's on Alienation.  A very old Russian man, looking a little disoriented, is buying some new shoes. The saleswoman is a young blond with full breasts and a very low cut sweater, and kindly bends down to help the old fellow change his socks. "Vladmir, Dimitri!, I haven't seen you in years!," he exclaims. " But what happened to your beards?" Offended, the girl walks off in a huff.
     The old man, with a slight smile on his face, waits patiently for his friends and the beautiful girl with the big tits to come back, looking with a hopeful expression at the passing shoppers until the lights are turned off and the store closes, and he is escorted to the street by security.

Fantastic Land Wars in Asia. Napoleon, Alexander the Great and Ghenghis Khan are arguing over who the greatest military leader was, when Bob Dylan comes in, pulls out his guitar and sings Blowin' in the Wind. Just as he puts his mouth on the harmonica,  the great military leaders put their differences and considerable egos, and get up and stab him where he stands.
     But as Bob Dylan dies, the harmonica bleating out his last breath in D minor,  they stand uncertainly, staring at the blood on their hands, facing a shocked and increasingly belligerent audience of several hundred. There was a moment of self-aggrandizing catharsis, and now it has transmuted horribly into a very mundane act of murder. They watch as the crowd, armed with sticks, chairs, and small black boxes, approaches. Napoleon is the first to fall victim to an anonymous Taser.


line15=recycleemotionalstate. Four robots get up at 3AM to go fishing for bass, which they are programmed to not find boring. 

Hope on Pope.  The Pope is touring South Dakota, and stops at a local joint to have a bacon cheeseburger, when a cowboy and a robot walk into the same little diner.  He recognizes them from an embarrassing  previous joke, and tries to hide his face with his hand.  To his great relief, they walk on by, although he is fairly sure they recognized his pope hat and are ignoring him too. He feels a little bit sad- although the robot could be unpleasant, he sort of liked the cowboy.  However, when he turns around, a huge Grizzly Bear sits across from him in the booth, eating the Pope's excellent bacon cheeseburger.  The Pope and Bear stare at each other now, sizing each other up, playing a dangerous contest at which there can only be one winner.  Here is Nature's cold,  mad game of hunger and territory, at which the penalty for failure is death.

Das Angst-Jökens: Fear of a Bear Planet

#16. Fear of a Bear Planet.  One day a hunter goes deep into the Alaskan Bush hunting for bears. Carefully prepared with a high-powered rifle, .44 revolver, a big knife and pepper spray, he confidently scours the landscape looking for an impressive Coastal Brown Bear for a trophy. Losing the trail, he gets tangled in a dense thicket of alders, and getting increasingly panicky, stumbles and drops his gun, falling into a clearing where a huge, ferocious-looking brown bear is reading some papers. The bear, interuppted in the complicated task of  preparing his taxes, looks up angrily. The bear puts his calculator down and moves toward the fallen hunter like a giant furry boulder with 6 inch teeth and giant claws, growling.  The hunter tries to reach for his pistol, but his arm is broken. The knife has jammed in his leg. But he is just able to reach his pepper spray, and sprays the bear, which only irritates him further. The bear shakes his mighty head and keeps coming, raising himself on his hind legs to his towering height of 9 feet.  The hunter manages to reach his cell phone and says: "Please, Mr. Bear, just let me call my wife and say goodbye."  The bear raises his powerful claws and goes: "F---  you and your martyr complex!"

#17. Cultural Transgression.  A carrot and an onion are sitting in bowl waiting to be sliced up and dropped into a big boiling pot of beef stew. The onion turns to the carrot and goes: "I've always loved you."

#18. Styvyk, Ng, and Jones, Attorneys.   A man goes to ask about his terminal disease. He says, "Doc, how long have I got to live?"  Hearing nothing and seeing people staring at him, he asks again. "You can tell me Doc, how long do I have to live?" Silence. Assuming the worst, the man begs and pleads for some kind of answer.  But there is nothing, only more stares.  He leaves, shattered, suffering total fear and dread. The Doctor, wondering where his patient is, realizes he neglected to tell the man that his symptoms include total disorientation.

#19. Cabo San Lucas. A cowboy, the Pope and a robot had been enjoying a vacation together in sunny Mexico.  Then the robot takes the cowboy aside and tells him something with his robot accent.  Horrified, the cowboy turns to the robot and goes: "but why would he protect all those pedophiles?"

#20. Desperate Love. A group of young women are gossiping about a handsome, well-off bachelor who just moved into the neighborhood. "Do you think he likes me?," says one girl, the prettiest of the group. And her friend goes: "Yes, he finds you very attractive. It is his own company he finds to be loathesome and ugly, even repugnant."

Flightless Loathing in Paris

Angst-Jöken #10: The Kindly Ungulate

A guy gets hungry and orders a pizza by text message. He waits and waits. 3 hours later there's a knock on the door, and a Zebra in a Pizza Hut Hat asks him if he ordered two large Canadian Bacon and Pineapple pies. The guy stares in amazment at the talking Zebra. Then the Zebra goes "Oo, sorry man, this is for the dude across the street. Catch ya later!" and leaves. The guy is wracked by confusion, and becomes even hungrier. Later there's another knock on the door. It's the friendly zebra again. "Hey Dude! The guy wasn't home, so here! Have this extra pizza, free! Shaka-Bra!," he says cheerfully, waving his hoof, and drives off into the night. The guy stares at the free pizza, grateful but utterly revolted by Canadian Bacon and Pineapple on pizzas. Blinking twice and setting the pizza on top of the fridge, he spoons a gob of peanut butter and licks it, while watching an episode of Law and Order he has seen three times.




Angst-Jöken #11: The Papal Observation



Three Irishmen are having a wee dram of whiskey with the Pope. One Irishman turns to the Pope and goes, "So I heard you were in the Hitler Youth."




Angst-Jöken #14. Flightless Loathing in Paris



An attractive couple on their honeymoon checks into a nice hotel in Paris. While of modest means, it is the dream of a lifetime, and her father has spared no expense to treat them to a fabulous vacation. As he carries her across the threshold of the sumptuously appointed room, they are both startled to find the place knee deep in penguins. While the bride is slightly charmed at first, the birds rapidly prove smelly, loud and unruly. The groom marches indignantly down to the front desk to complain. "What is going on? Our bridal suite is full of penguins!," he demands of the Manager, a suave little man with pencil moustache. "Ah, most distressing I am sure, Monsieur, I will check for you, immmediatement," says the Manager.

The grooms stands at the desk in the beautiful, ornate lobby, tapping his feet. The Manager returns with a strange, troubled expression. "I have spoken the Hotel's owner, and this is most unusual, it seems he himself ordered the room filled with every penguin in Paris!" "But why?," says the Groom. The manager draws in a full breath. "He directed me, at pain of my position, to say directly to you that has a deep hatred of Americans, and wished to humilate you on the most important night of your life, simply for being who you are." The groom stands there for a long time, arms hanging loose at his sides, while the manager looks at him piteously, unsure of what to say or do.


Angst-Jöken #13. Science.


An unscrewed lightbulb is observed, and it is changed by this fact.

Angst-Jöken #14. Lack of Joke. 


Joke #14 does not exist.

The Protestant Ethic in the Spirit of Angst-Jöken

The Protestant Ethic in the Spirit of Angst-Jöken

A man walks into a bar with his pet Orangutan, Klaus. The bartender says "Hey, no monkeys in the bar!" Before the man can explain, Klaus is scared by the bartender's frightful countenance and enormous mustache and runs around to a corner of the room, where he hides behind Albert Einstein. Dr. Einstein says: "Vy, hello zere, Mr. Orangutan!" Klaus sees the kindly brown eyes of the famous physicist, and calms down, offering Einstein a partly eaten head of cabbage. Dr. Einstein accepts the gift, and smiles and pats the creature's head. Meanwhile, the man, seeing their fast friendship, realizes that even though he has owned the orangutan for 30 years, he has never appreciated Klaus for who he really is.

Touching Fielty

A blond walks into a gas station carrying a steering wheel. Tangled, burned wires dangle from the hub. The attendant, who is eating small powdered donuts, looks up at the beautiful girl and what she is carrying, and says "Oh my goodness, Can I help you?" And the blond goes: "This is the last memento I have of my mother."


Doom Loop

Two robots are building another robot for the first time. One robot goes to the other: "An endless cycle begins."

Koo-Koo for Ordinary Human Relationships

Two lawyers are trapped on a deserted island. Although they must work hard to survive, they subsist off of coconuts and sea-life, and it's enough to get by. One day, a box floats up on the beach, and they open it to find that it is full of new satellite phones. One of the lawyers turns to the other one and goes: "I can't bring myself to return to my old practice and just embrace a life of greed and ceaseless deal-making." The other lawyer, who has dialed home, nods solemnly as he waits for the phone to answer, and that knowing who she is, his wife will be gone. She will have remarried. His children will not recognize their father. His clients will be scattered, his expertise fatuous, his friends awkward in their re-embrace as he returns, absurdly, from death. He realizes that his friend will stay, becoming a hermit forever on the island. As the line rings, he wishes that the box had never come.

Arrrngst

A pirate pegs his way into a fancy piano bar, and orders a mojito. Long at sea, he glares longingly with his one good eye at the girl behind the bar, for whom he will always be a mutilated and frightening outcast. A balding man is singing and playing a Barry Manilow song. As she crushes the mint into the ice, a perfect metaphor of the fate of his affections, the Pirate thinks to himself: "I have robbed and killed innocents for this?"

Behold! Das Angst-Jöken!

I now introduce what I shall call the "Angst-Jöken," the jokeless joke of alienation and despair. Take this example:

"What is invisible and smells like carrots? The answer, locked in the next room when you are feverish with hunger and suffering vitamin A deficiency, is 'Carrots."




"A man walks into a bar. When nothing humorous happens, an awkward
disquiet descends on the room like a heavy fog. In a half-hearted
attempt to lighten the mood, he orders a banana daiquiri. When it
arrives, he merely stares at the crushed ice dripping off the rim of the
glass, forced to face his complete failure as a joke protagonist."



"A priest, a rabbi and a imam walk into a bar. Already tense, the priest orders dry white wine. The rabbi orders a beer. The imam orders a Coke. A stunning waitress in a miniskirt brings their drinks, to their collective, silent dismay. Desperate to get some sort of dialogue going, the Rabbi brings up the NFL. The imam says he likes the Packers. The priest, a Cowboys fan, thinks it's better to stay quiet. The rabbi doesn't really like sports. The bartender, an atheist, looks at the group with a kind of enraged pity."



A funeral director walks into a Protagonist's office. The protagonist says " so you're here to help develop my plot?" 

A traveling salesman, needing a place to stay for the night in a remote township, knocks on a farmer's door. The farmer, grateful for company, invites him in for dinner, and his beautiful daughter, once voted Miss Cornflower, joins them and cooks everyone a delicious chicken dinner. Then the farmer's ex-wife knocks on the door. She comes in and belittles the lonely farmer for his legal and financial troubles and his inadequacies as a man. The salesman endures this tirade uncomfortably, glancing briefly at the daughter, who, emotionally defeated, sobs quietly. He excuses himself, checking into a Motel 6, where the remote control fails to function.