Angst-Jökens- New for the Fall Collection

Classicism

A desperate New York artist schedules a performance in which he will take a staple gun and staple a live weasel to his head while reciting the U.S. Constitution in front of a video of gold molecules vibrating.  A large crowd has arrived in the Chelsea gallery for his performance entitled "Microeconomics with Live Weasel IV" and just as he is about to staple the struggling, squeaking weasel to his head, he hears a famous art critic say to a friend: "This seems a bit hampered by visual classicism."  He looks at the weasel, who looks back with big, dark, pleading eyes, and decides to lets him scamper off.  The disappointed audience boos, as the artist, his heart sinking, walks off stage, only to notice that the newly freed weasel is outside now, looking in through the gallery window, flipping him off. 


On a Brief Respite from Soviet Russia

It's 1963, and three Soviet submarine commanders are drinking in a bar in Havanna, Cuba. One goes: "Mechanical breakdowns! Drunken crews. Nuclear weapons! U.S. Navy patrols! There are times I would like to give it all up, the stress and responsbility. "   Another goes: "We patrol so close to Florida, we could swim to Miami Beach. You can see even the girls on the beach in the periscope, another world, so carefree and beautiful...."   "Careful, Komrade, says the third, "The Party is always listen..."  

Suddenly a ferocious Polar Bear crashes into the bar, people screaming and running and drinks spilling, and before anyone can react he stomps on the first submarine commander, jumping up and down on him and crushing him, until the bear takes a mighty swipe with his gigantic paw and tears off his head. As the horrified captains look on, the Bear, blood staining his white fur, stands up, looming 10 feet tall, looking right at them and goes: GGRAARRRRGHHHHH!!!  And then the huge beast grabs the body with his enormous sharp teeth, leaving a trail of gore as he exits the flimsy wicker doors, the commander's proud, splattered hat rolling to a corner before falling over for the last time.

The bartender goes: "Another round, Señors?"


BAM-Os! Shoes for Cool Kids

A lady at Goldman-Sachs is at work one day, drinking her half-caff mocha. She analyzes the children's shoe market in a small country: if thousands of adult workers could be fired, return on investment would grow by 3.7%. Children could make luxury shoes for - haha! how ironic!- the  children at the top 5% of the market. All that has to be done is bribe a few officials, weaken child labor laws, exploit religious bigotry to de-fund public education, ban trade unions, maybe scare a few activists, and make a stylish campaign emphasizing cutting edge design and how they use greener, recycled materials. 

Later, on her way back to a lower Manhattan Starbucks, she's run over by a school bus. This story has a happy ending, as thousands of jobs making shoes in a sweat shop in Asia were saved.