Another Panda Joke

Vice President Cheney walks into a bar and tells the bartender "give me a goddamn sandwich!" The bartender, noticing Cheney has pulled our a Glock and aimed it at his head, asks nervously "wha..what kind of sandwich, Mr. Vice President, Sir?" Cheney goes "I don't care, but make it good. You think this is about food? This is about respect. It's about who is the right man who has the will to excercise power and who's the chump that makes sandwiches."  The bartender comes back with an egg salad sandwich and Cheney simply shoots him in the knee, takes and eats the sandwich, throwing the plate through the window and shooting up the bar and all the bottles for good measure, and storms out.   

The waitress comes out to the bartender, who is writhing on the floor, and says "Wow. Something just like that happened with a Panda last week, but aside from making us look up 'panda' in the dictionary he wasn't such a dick about it."

Balloon Payments

Friends

An Iguana is staring at a rat, while the reptile's old friend, a scruffy-looking Coyote, looks on hungrily. The Iguana whispers to the Coyote: "Last time we went to town, that rat had enough quarters to buy us three tacos. You distract him. I'll get his wallet."


Baby Harp Seals

How do you get a baby harp seal to stop crying? You are all too aware of the method.

Blizzard

A Parson, a Rabbi, an Imam and a sexy porn star are trapped alone in a cozy ski cabin during a ferocious blizzard. "Well, it's warm and we have enough food," says the Imam, sipping his hot chocolate. "It could be worse," says the rabbi, stroking his beard. "Thank you, Lord, for blessing us this day, " says the parson, combing his hair. So the porn star pulls a gun and says:  "One step closer and I'll kill every last motherfucking one of you!"

The Pretty Balloons. 

An elementary school decides to raise money for a field trip to the Dinosaur exhibit by selling balloons. But  there's a mistake at the balloon company and instead of sending a tank of helium to fill the balloons, they send a tank of nitrous oxide. The balloons don't float, but it's soon found out that when the pretty balloons pop and are destroyed forever, everyone begins laughing and laughing. In this way, the children were primed to delight in the suffering of others.