One Tired Mono-Amorist

1.  One Tired Mono-Amorist.

On nothing but a dare, a professional unicyclist from Ohio plans to cross the Gobi desert.  After many months of training, riding everyday and getting in great shape as he practices over bumps, gravel, sand and hills, after thousands of dollars spent on getting a special ultra-light, variable traction, high endurance tire, and fitting the seat and post with the latest in unicycle instrumentation- or uvionics, as the pros call them- he flies to China and prepares the expedition by buying a Bactrian camel named Lars to port his supplies.  And so one day, he begins, setting out from Urumki in China to Dalandzadgad, Mongolia, sporting a cheery sombrero that says " Cleveland- Chili's!  and leading a reluctant Lars with a camel leash, as a small crowd of locals cheer him on. 

Months later, in the chilled grip of February, Mongolian police scanning the horizon with binoculars spy a haunted, skeletal-thin Caucasian man approaching outer Dalandzadgad wearing nothing but a crude jacket made of raw camel hide, and teetering, yes, on a rusted, sand-blasted hulk of a unicycle.  Quickly recognizing that this may be the American long given up for dead, they rush to his aid, but he refuses.  Word spreads. Reporters gather, children run along at his feet. As he reaches the city limits, he dismounts, shaking with cold, the unicycle falling to the ground. He blinks at the crowd, and the cameras, and opens his cracked lips to speak.

"In Ohio, I loved only unicycles. Now I love nothing."


2. Blind and Balanced.


A Tic Tac corporate salesman is diagnosed with incurable halitosis. Fired, he sues. But where there is no justice to be had, none is offered.


3.  I Bid You Adieu


A musician, married now and in the burbs but nostalgic for his band touring days, has been seeking a rare guitar tube amplifier he used to have. Months of looking, and no luck. One day, lo and behold, the exact year and make of the beautiful amplifier comes up on Ebay. For two days, he carefully plans his bidding, checking prices, researching everything. Then the hour comes. He gets ready with coffee and meatloaf sandwich and tells his roughhousing children to go play. Focused, he scans the situation: there are two other serous bidders, both skilled as well, the prices going up very incrementally.  He has a budget though, he can't just out-bid them. The price crawls higher and higher, and he's glued to the screen -even the squealing and yelping from outside doesn't distract him-  and the last 10 minutes crawl by in sweaty tension.  He and two other bidders duke it out -5 minutes now, and it's not a question of money, but timing. It feels like his youth is up for auction. He wants that amp.

The bid comes down to the last moment. He waits. The timing is like hitting that effects pedal the moment before you blast that power-chord. He judges, clicks, and hopes. Success! The amp is his! He raises his hands in triumph. With perfect satisfaction, he steps outside to breathe in the fresh air, and finds that his Airedale has drowned in the pool.

Das Angst-Jökens of Summer

The Happy Magic Well Troll

A marketing executive falls into a deep dark well, and struggles to climb back out. But he fails, splashing around in the cold and wet and dark. Suddenly, the water drains out as if by magic, and he finds himself sitting upright on a wet stone floor. He looks around, and the light from above casts a circle down. He is shocked to see a tiny little troll-like man, no more than 2 feet tall, wearing a red hat and a long red pointed beard, with a crooked nose, rosy cheeks, and holding a small leather bag containing something weighty, his small blue eyes twinkling and mouth upturned in a warm smile as he begins to pull something out of the bag. "Hold on," says the dripping executive, taking out his iPhone, "I'm getting a text from someone."

Delayed

A woman has called for a taxi and has been waiting over an hour when she hears hears the door bell finally ring. Stepping out, she is surprised to find an incredibly tiny yellow cab at the curb, with flashing lights and spiral-colored wheels, and it is completely packed nose-to-nose with all kinds of clowns. The driver is dressed like a clown in sad-face with a foot wide soft cab driver's hat. "I'm so sorry I'm late," he says. "I got delayed renewing my tabs at DMV."


Unicorn

Two kittens are playing with a soft toy unicorn with sparkles, dangling from a spring and swaying wildly. One kitten turns to the other and goes "When I catch him, I will crush his throat with my teeth and feel his tendons snap while he squirts blood and his pointless life leaves his pathetic eyes." The other kitten says "Cross me and you will share his fate."

Two Gentlemen of Nebraska.

Omega 3s.

A beautiful redhead from Vancouver goes on a dating website and falls for an attractive guy who owns his own canned salmon factory.  After a little back-and-forth, they arrange to meet up at an exquisite contemporary bistro she has looked forward to going to for a couple of years, and she gets a nice  outfit and a salon treatment to get ready to meet the man of her dreams.  She arrives a little late, but no one comes to meet her. Eventually, instead of the  man, a ferocious-looking polar bear shows up, blood dripping from his mouth as he  flings an italian dress shoe around. Fearing the worst, she asks the bear if he's seen her date.

"Seen and eaten, lady!" says the bear.  "Can't go wandering around Canada smelling like salmon and not expect bear trouble."

After some reflection, she agrees with his observation, and asks the bear to join her for desert, slyly establishing with indirect questions what he does for a living and what his life goals are.

Two Gentlemen of Nebraska. 

Two Supercross motorcycle racers are competing in an loud and dangerous event in Lincoln in front of 20,000 fans in an arena, when the guy in the lead on a Yamaha wipes out at the bottom of a dirt hill, and one by one, with   the high-pitched buzzing of small engines, billows of blue smoke, and endless horrific crunches, a series of bikers crash one by one on top of the unfortunate leader.  In the air and unable to stop in time, one biker turns to the other, and nods his helmet in a way which means: "To the thrill of power, our will is surrendered. We have entirely created this oncoming rush of doom, and our role now is merely to play it out."

Access to Medical Care

A Sasquatch has a terrible toothache and goes to see a Dentist. The Dentist's receptionist stops the huge furry Bigfoot creature, demanding to see his insurance card or cash up front before treatment. The Sasquatch reflects that he could stomp her with his enormous foot like a grape, but that this would not get him the money he needs or help his toothache, and goes to sit down, the waiting room chair uncomfortable and far too small  The receptionist, regretting her confrontational approach borne of fear, and finding her empathy and trying to be helpful, calls the University's Department of Anthropology to see if they might cover the bill, while poking  through a website on low-cost dental services for ideas as she waits for someone to pick up. Meanwhile, photographers are lining up three deep on the street outside at the spectacle of the huge man-ape forced by the absurd circumstances to pretend to read a June 2007 copy of Glamour magazine with a heavily retouched photo of Britney Spears on the cover.  Sasquatch comes to feel that the situation is awkward and untenable.

They Are Not Tater-Tots. That's A Common Misconception.

"A man walks up to the President of Mexico, and asks for an extra large order of Mexi-Fries. The dignified President chastises the man for his cultural, culinary,  and political ignorance. Shocked, the man defends his stupidity with the small truth that his hunger is legitimate."


Competitive Robots

"Two robots are disputing the primary function of robots. The first robot builds Toyota Camrys. The second robot has been programmed with the best jokes from 100 years of vaudeville comic routines. Then a doctor, a lawyer and a priest walk in, needing to get to a conference on comedy and begin demanding reliable transportation advice from the robots.  The robots are forced to cooperate, but remain technologically incapable of friendship. They continue to regard each other as inferior."